pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Apparently you make a good broom.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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