My nipple is on Facebook.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
