He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
