do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
