glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
