I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
