that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
