i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
how does that bad decision feel?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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