Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
