I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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