I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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