I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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