We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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