I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't notice because vodka
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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