If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize