I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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