I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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