i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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