Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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