if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
