My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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