Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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