I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
