Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
