Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
