So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
