You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
