Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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