If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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