Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
