Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
