I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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