I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize