anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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