he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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