what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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