i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
