Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
