you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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