Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
