So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The air was thick with penises
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize