what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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