The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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