I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Blood and glitter go together right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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