Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
