Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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