I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
