you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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