why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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