She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
