I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
