bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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