I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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