you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
