I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
