I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I party with great urgency now.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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