Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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